by Lela Davidson, Arkansas Women Bloggers Miss September 2013

Back to school means back to volunteering, right? Okay, that might sound odd coming from the One Who Was Blacklisted.

I’ve never been much of a school volunteer, but that’s not to say I haven’t felt the tug of the tempera paint masterpieces and artisan-quality cupcake making. Each year as school starts I savor a brief moment when I actually believe things might be different. I might make it to those booster club meetings. I might sign up to cook chili this year. I might show up to craft centerpieces out of foam and glitter.

Or not.

I do my part in other ways. I have served at-risk girls and troubled teens. I have made the local library a better place and improved shelters for children whose parents, in my opinion, are a complete waste of skin. I have a long history of volunteer work and I’d like to be able to continue it. However, lately I’m feeling extra conflicted.

On the one hand there are literally not enough hours in the day to succeed at my new job, feed my family, keep the sink grime at bay, and also take care of the business of serving on a non-profit board.

On the other hand, I honestly believe that many hands make short work of any project. My hands are certainly able.

On the one hand I’m a cranky woman of a certain age who would rather spend write a check and be done with it than go through the effort of putting on a fundraiser only to be disappointed with the turnout or surprised when said fundraiser does not actually raise funds. (And to be horribly honest, I’d rather spend my free evenings writing or drinking boxed wine on the driveway than spending precious creative energy on promoting the 43rd gala of the year.)

On the other hand, I understand deeply the power of working together for a cause, no matter the cause, and no matter the results. I have made most of my very best friends in the Junior League. (Go ahead, mock if you must, because you just don’t get it.) I know that it’s not the dollars raised, but the process that matters. Volunteering is more about the bonds and connections and implicit value of a job well done.

Sure, on the that hand.

On the other hand: So. Much. Work. And now with my new actual work, the one that provides income for me to care for my own little community of four, I’m having a tough time balancing.

On the one hand, there is a fine line between my healthy over-achieving tendencies and straight up overwhelm. I might need a 12-step program.

On the other hand, there are really only two steps:

#1 – Monitor my calendar every single day.

#2 – Don’t say yes to ANYTHING I don’t want to do, or want to do but don’t have time or energy to do.

There was a time I needed volunteering in order to maintain some order in my life. It filled the space left behind when I stopped working out in the world with other people. I may have fooled myself into thinking I was volunteering for different reasons than I really was. Truth is I needed volunteer work to fill spots on my calendar, to give me networks of other adults, and to make me feel accomplished in a way that changing diapers cannot do.

Life is challenging enough right now. It’s time for me to change direction. I’m not leaving, but switching onto the worker bee track. I no longer need to plan and organize and lead in my volunteer life. I need to do those things at home and at work. Someone else take the leadership role and I’ll be your worker bee. Tell me what to do. I’ll show up with a smile and my able hands.

And if you need a spreadsheet, I’m your girl.

How do you give back? And how do you balance giving to the greater good with all your close-to-home commitments?