by Carmella Fryer

 

The theme for posts this month is discover. I have written a few different draft posts centered on other topics but keep coming back to this – me and ADHD. It’s scary to put this out there for all to see but each time I talk openly about my ADHD story it seems to help others discover new truths about this disorder as it relates to themselves, family members and/or friends. I’m putting my brave face on and trusting that sharing something so personal will have more positive outcomes than negative.

Here are a few things I’ve discovered since being diagnosed:

Discovery #1: Perception is NOT Reality

It is super sad to me that such a stigma still exists around this disorder. I recall several years ago gathering with a group of girlfriends. We all had young children. When one of the moms walked out of the room another mom whispered, “Did you hear the news? Her daughter was diagnosed with ADHD this week. Bless her heart.” Everyone joined in feeling sorry for this poor woman and her less-than-perfect child.

I was appalled – but not for the exact reason you might think. Of course, I cringed about the gossipy manner in which this information was shared. I was upset that these women changed their perception of this smart, happy and creative child instantly based on four little letters. But I was mostly appalled because at that time I wasn’t sure I believed this disorder really existed. I blew it off as a way for parents and teachers to sedate young, active boys into submission. I had not heard of many girls having the disorder (more on this later). I couldn’t understand what the big deal was.

As it turns out we all were perpetuating the stigma around this often misunderstood diagnosis. I feel I was lucky enough to be able to overcome the challenges of ADHD as a child and for many adult years. I believe that gives me a unique voice to help break down the perceptions that are still prevalent.

People with ADHD process information differently. We are not lazy. We can’t just try harder to focus. We can’t force our brains to perform as society expects them to. We can, however, find our strengths and focus there instead of on our challenges. We can solve problems like nobody’s business because we perceive and process the world differently. We are creative. We are fun. We don’t want pity. We want love, friendship, understanding, and acceptance.

Challenge: Take a few minutes to learn more about ADHD and reframe your perceptions of those living with it. My go-to resource is ADDitude.

Discovery # 2: It’s Not All About the Boys

As I mentioned in the first discovery, I originally believed ADHD only affected young boys with too much energy and too little discipline. Oh, how wrong I was! What I have learned since getting my diagnosis is that ADHD affects boys and girls differently.

When I was referred to a specialist to be evaluated for ADHD I thought it was kind of silly. How could a straight A, goody-goody-rule-following girl turned successful career woman have ADHD? I was sure I was wasting both the doctor’s and my time.

I did a little digging on the topic prior to the appointment and started thinking maybe there was something to this. Deep down inside I hoped it was true. I had always known I was a little different from the crowd. Could this help me understand why? When my doctor announced that I did have ADHD, I broke out into tears – not sad tears, tears of joy. I started reliving my past through a new lens. Things were finally beginning to make sense.

More research helped me understand how my symptoms have been apparent since I was a child had I know they present differently in girls than boys. I want to raise awareness to this fact most of all.  So many of our girls go under the radar and are diagnosed as adults or never at all. I had a lot of low-lows before being diagnosed.

Hyperactivity in girls can be expressed as highly chatty. Anyone who knows me will get a big chuckle out of that. Chatty I am. I was constantly in trouble in class for incessant talking. I’m still a chatty-Kathy. I interrupt when excited. My stories are filled with details and told in boisterous ways. Some find this endearing. Some not so much. I’m better at reading body language now and more self-aware.

ADHD girls may be viewed as spacey, forgetful and disorganized. As I mentioned I was a straight A student at the top of my class. I excelled at math and science. I was viewed as one of the smart kids and a girl who had it all together – at least most of the time. I had a hard time believing any of this because of my internal struggle.  As a natural blonde, many laughs have been made at my expense. My room was a disaster area. I was always losing things that I used several times a day (keys, shoes, purse, etc.). It was (and still is) frustrating. 

Girls are also more likely to overcompensate to cover up the challenges they face in order to conform to what is expected of them. They become people-pleasers at their own expense. They commit to unreasonable expectations because they struggle with telling others no. They kill themselves trying to keep up the grand illusion. They can’t let anyone know they are less than perfect. This was and continues to be one of my biggest struggles.

Another difference I have discovered in myself and other gals is a tendency to internalize the angst with negative self-talk. We know we are different but we are not sure why. We call ourselves names and take responsibility for everything that goes wrong around us. We are sensitive to criticism because we are our own worst critics. We are mean to ourselves. This is the saddest part of going undiagnosed from my perspective. It’s been equally challenging and rewarding to practice inner grace – something I could not do until I became aware.

Although I was able to overcome my symptoms for many years, they eventually caught up with me. My self-esteem was slowly being chipped away almost to the point of no return. This was a high price to pay and one I hope I can help other girls and women avoid by recognizing the symptoms and getting diagnosed as early as possible.

Challenge: Do you relate to any of these symptoms or do they remind you of another female in your life? If so, I encourage being evaluated to know one way or another. Here’s a quick self-test to get started down the path.

Discovery #3: ADHD Meds are Not a Racket

I really didn’t want to go down the medication path when I first started learning about ADHD. When I finally conceded to the doctor that we would give the meds a go I told him it better be a difference of night and day. Well let me tell you – it was. I noticed a big difference the very first day.

Initially, I only told a very few close friends and family members about my diagnosis and meds. I started taking them the week after Christmas while I was on holiday. About a week into the new year my boss asked me what I was doing differently. She said she noticed I was more focused, calmer and more effective. Um, wow.

The best way I can describe how the meds help is that they give me a few extra nanoseconds in my brain to organize my thoughts and convey them in a manner that my audience will understand. Before the meds, I would get excited about an idea and would blurt them out expecting everyone to see the brilliance. Instead, I was met with either blank stares or someone telling me to slow down on the coffee.

Everyone is different when it comes to ADHD management. For me, the meds have been a godsend. They are well worth the high price tag each and every month. Some people don’t like being on the meds and I respect that. Some lucky people don’t need the medications because they have crafted their lives in a manner that minimizes the impact of ADHD (yes, I’m jealous and I feel another post coming on this topic).

Challenge: Don’t judge or make jokes about ADHD meds.

Wow. Once I decided to go with me and ADHD as my topic the words started flowing. I am going to count that as confirmation. I originally planned to share more than three discoveries but given the length of each so far that would make for a very long post. So what do you think? Did you discover new insights? Do you have anything to add or debate? I’d love to hear from you on this topic in a kind and respectful manner, please.