by Julie Kohl – ARWB Content Cultivator & Calendar Girl
May is a special month for women, especially mothers. In May, we celebrate Mother’s Day and here at Arkansas Women Bloggers we are celebrating the Women Who Inspire Us and the Power of Women’s Voices. Over the next few weeks we will hear from several amazing women that live right here in Arkansas. They will make us laugh and make us cry and will inspire and empower us with their voices.
Having recently experienced one of the most tragic events of my own life, I hope you will not mind that I (Julie) have decided to open this months theme with my own voice. I do not claim to be inspiring or powerful but I hope you will find something of merit in my story.
After many years of trying to conceive, my husband and I lost our first child to miscarriage on March 18th. The days and weeks that followed were tough (still are) and went by in a blur. My body had fought being pregnant but fought being “un-pregnant” even more.
Surgery, multiple rounds of ‘labor inducing’ drugs and weeks of bleeding and my body would not release the pregnancy tissue. In fact, if I were to take a pregnancy test today (45 days later) it would still be positive. How’s that for a slap in the face?
If you have never experienced a miscarriage, I pray you never do. If you have, you know and can sympathize with the fact that it is one of the most confusing, disheartening, and tragic things you will ever experience.
I have spent the last month and a half searching for God, searching for closure, searching for a way to feel right in my own skin again. There’s a feeling of loss but I have nothing to hold onto. No photo, no lock of hair, no tiny clothes that hold my babies scent. All I have is a feeling of emptiness and fullness all at the same time. It’s a feeling I can’t explain and don’t understand. There are so many questions that may never have answers.
So what do you do in a time of tragedy and loss? I write and I paint.
Here is my story in words and in art.
Am I a mother?
Written by Julie Kohl
Painting by Julie Kohl
I once had a child
But it’s not on this earth
It’s heart never beat
And I never gave birth
I hope and I prayed
And I wished all the same
But that glorious day
It just never came
They said it was gone
But it’s hard to believe
We wanted it so badly
How could it leave
But God He has plans
That are bigger than ours
He loves us more
Than the number of stars
Still I can’t help but ask
Am I a mother?
Oh dear lord
Please bring us another
This child that I love
I will never hold
But I will cherish it deeply
Until I grow old
I know someday soon
There will be little feet
Tiny little hands
And kisses so sweet
But until that day comes
I can’t help but wonder
Was it all just a dream
Or am I a mother?